


Regrets?

by straeon



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-17 02:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3512171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straeon/pseuds/straeon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert tries to apologise after their hotel date was interrupted, with a look at his internal conflict.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regrets?

**Author's Note:**

> This was written after the interrupted hotel date, set the next day.

Aaron huffed as he went to answer the back door. No one else had been around in the morning while his mum busy with James, her boyfriend, having had an accident and Paddy being Paddy, trying to talk to him but also having a hundred other things on his mind. So he’d moped since sneaking out of the hotel last night like a …dirty little secret.

Which is what I am. His bit on the side. Always coming second… In the bad way… Okay,sometimes in the good way but is it worth the sleazing around?

The knocking got more aggressive so he quickened his step, even huffier for having his thoughts interrupted.

“What?!” He shouted while opening the door.

Robert looked relieved to see him – that he would answer the door to him, probably. Short lived as that was as Aaron went to close the door on him.

“Aaron!” Robert stepped to block the door closing.

“Are you serious?!” Aaron shouted, exasperated, as he turned his back on Robert since he couldn’t seem to close him out.

“Aaron, I need to apologi-“

“You think!?” Already turning back to face him, Aaron stepped closer, full of frustration at this man and this situation they were in because of him. “Do you expect me to be grateful for you apologizing and drop my pants for you or what?!”

“I just… wanted to know you’re okay.” Robert murmured, having lost his confidence that brought him storming in after leaving Chrissie at the house with a flimsy excuse for needing to rush off.

“I’m great Robert. And as soon as you show up with a smarmy grin to tell me how much Chrissie can’t find out, how much you love her, and all that bullshit, I’m just going to forget everything and do your bidding? Right?”

Robert didn’t know what to do. His instincts told him to look out for number one. Always. Because who else will? They kicked in last night when he kicked Aaron out and buttered Chrissie up again. He didn’t want to face the consequences of Chrissie finding out, which would hurt him and his ambitions, but he didn’t consider what would hurt Aaron. The regret pained him when it woke him up this morning. But what he regretted most was that he didn’t regret it. He would choose to cover up his affair over sparing Aaron’s feelings again. If there was a way to spare everyone’s feelings, he would do that but…

“Well, I’m not okay, Robert. I’m mad. I just… don’t want to see you!” Aaron took a deep breath before continuing in a calmer tone. “Please leave, Robert.”

“But I haven’t made it up to you!” Robert put on his most charming, dazzling-teeth-baring smile. It faltered after a moment as Aaron only reacted to turn away from him, starting to ascend the stairs.

“Don’t follow me.” Aaron called back, barely bothering to turn his head to him.

\- - -

For several minutes, Robert didn’t leave but he didn’t try to follow Aaron. This couldn’t be made up for with a smile or flirtations and Aaron would not let him get any further. What else did Robert have to his advantage? The hotel room already showed his ability to splash out on Aaron and that backfired spectacularly.

Leaning back on the wall with a long, deep sigh, he closed his eyes and tried to think. About everything. About what he was doing to everyone around him, the lying, the secrets… He did not like to stop and think too much, not about whether what he was doing was right. For so long, his behaviour had been reactionary, it had been doing what would be best for him. Falling in love with Chrissie worked out for the best and he pushed the thoughts as far back as he could that he didn’t love her.

I do love her.

He opened his eyes with a sharp intake of breath. Forget it, he thought. Aaron would come around… and if not… forget it.

His plans with Chrissie, with Lawrence, with his life far preceded Aaron. This had been… fun. But it was a distraction. He didn’t know from what, from family life and the thought of regular married sex, maybe. But just because he wasn’t excited by the thought of sex with Chrissie as much any more didn’t mean he didn’t love her, that she wouldn’t be the love of his life, as he would vow she would be soon.

A wave of something like panic and nausea came over him out of nowhere. After failing to catch his breath, he stormed out of the building into the fresh air. Robert coughed and choked until he had his breath back, rubbing his face and looking to the sky and clearing his mind again.

“Y’alright, mate?” Some passing random called to him. Robert gave him the finger and he walked off after a few choice words.

God, he hated good Samaritans. Mind your own business, for fuck’s sake.

For a moment, he was torn between returning to Chrissie to prove to her (he convinced himself it wasn’t to prove anything to himself) once and for all how much he loved her, which he’d intended to do first, and finding Katie and making her pay for her meddling.

Sighing, Robert decided his heart wasn’t in it right now. He was sure whenever he came across her next, he’d be sufficiently enraged at her doe eye’d goodness (which he knew wasn’t really her as much as his charms weren’t really him) to put her in her place then. The waiting would probably help get her more worried about what he’d do or say to Andy…

The next wave of … whatever … he suppressed down… Served him right for believing posh toffs’ hype - the hotel probably poisoned him and all.

Thoughts of Aaron, Andy, Chrissie and everyone else he was messing around flooded his mind despite his best efforts.

Katie? She had it coming. She was after him, of course he had to go after her, where she would then go after him… right? Yes, he had to, until she gave up, for Andy.

Andy. Despite things he’d said to him in anger so many times, he was his brother, who shouldn’t have to be in the middle of his shit. But Katie dragged him into it. Robert had apologised again and again to Andy, Katie was the one coming between them! How could he not do something about that?

Suddenly the words returned to him that he said to Chrissie about his life… If his dad could see him now. Was that even true or would he have only wanted him to be impressed by him, like he wanted Lawrence to be impressed by him? His parents would not be proud of what he really was. His hiding that was turning him into something even worse, he knew that, deep down.

But there was no turning back now. That’s what he told himself when he’d let Ross and Aaron into his and the Whites’ home and when he told Aaron he was straight and, on some level, every time he told Chrissie how much he loved her. He’d thought about this for years into his 20’s when he felt attracted to men. Sure he slept with them when he wanted to and he wasn’t ashamed of that but it was too late to be gay or bisexual (when he learned that that was a thing when he slept with an openly bisexual bartender) or anything but the straight man façade that he was living. That’s what he had to be now as Chrissie’s fiancé and soon as her husband. There was no turning back now.

A door opened behind him.

‘Ugh,’ Aaron rolled his eyes as he closed the door, not looking Robert in the eye. ‘Are you still here?’

Robert had no idea now how long he’d been pacing and pulling his hair and thinking… He sighed. He looked down away from Aaron, unintentionally mimicking him. Aaron went to walk by him, looking like he was going to work.

Again, Robert stepped toward him. He didn’t avoid Aaron’s face now, he couldn’t.

What attracted him to Aaron first still did. The furrow of his brow, his apathetic attitude, his utter refusal to be impressed or intimidated by Robert’s cash or suit… It had been a challenge. Trying to get him to change his attitude toward him so he could impress someone that was definitely not easily impressed. Quickly, he’d realised it was more than the challenge which attracted him,Aaron attracted him. Never before had he met someone so unapologetic about themselves despite their relatively small life, so secure in himself despite his occasional shyness, so stable despite the anger he’d shown Robert, which was clearly just a reflection of the anger he’d felt in his life, of what he truly could let go on someone if he let himself. This was the most genuine person in the village. None of the toffs he’d worked with could pay to be who this man was, as much as they tried to fake that substance, as much as they tried.

Of course there was a physical attraction too, which he’d felt since the first moment he saw him but had ignored, until he no longer could. Aaron wasn’t just a body that he wanted, this was someone he felt a need to be near. Robert needed to find what made him tick, to be what made him tick. And God, did he enjoy making him tick, when they finally got that far.

It was addictive in a way that cheating had never been before to him. Of course there was a thrill that he chased, as always, but it was a mixture of that and his feelings for Aaron, which made him need to be around him. It was respect that he’d rarely felt for someone. Even though he didn’t know the whole story, daren’t ask, he’d clearly been through a lot in his shorter life and after all that, was a stronger person than Robert could even wish to be. Robert admired him like he’d admired Chrissie when he met her for her strength. But Aaron’s was so surprisingly natural.

Lately he’d seen that strength falter, like at the hotel last night, and he hated himself for being the cause of it.

Now he was leaning closer to Aaron, who was finally looking at him. But he turned his face away before Robert could kiss him but Robert didn’t try to. Robert wrapped his arms around Aaron’s back and held him tightly, resting his head against the side of his. Aaron’s hands were on his shoulders uncertainly. Robert heard him gulp and his breath faltered but he rested against Robert. Maybe it was that someone they knew could possibly see them or maybe it was Robert’s honest emotions for once. He didn’t know how to apologise for the way he was but he was trying. And it wasn’t just for the hotel or the other times he’d left too soon. It was for the future too and the hurt it would cause Aaron when he returned to Chrissie, which had never been a part of his plans. Robert wanted to be near Aaron and to enjoy everything about him and that was all he’d thought about, how much he enjoyed Aaron. Not how Aaron might get to feel about him. There was nothing he could do to stop hurting people, especially Aaron, but he could make up for it? Couldn’t that be enough for them?

Robert sighed against Aaron’s hair and neck and shoulder, pushing out all thoughts of anybody else or of the future. All he did that afternoon was enjoy Aaron. The heavy breathing of his body under his, the hair along his thighs, his gasps when he breathed kisses on to his neck, followed with biting his mark onto him, his rare carefree laugh when he whispered what he was going to do to him against his ear and his moans when he did those things. And he enjoyed Aaron’s presence afterwards. When he got him terrible coffee and sat against him in the dull bed. When he talked about the garage and Adam’s plans for the scrapyard today and other shit Robert couldn’t care about to fill in the silence, Robert listened to his voice, his toned down excitement for his ventures, his affection for his friends and family, his dedication to working hard for his living, even if he hadn’t always. He enjoyed the joking and the mushy under-covers cuddling and tickling even as he realised with regret that Aaron was falling in love with him and there was nothing he could do to stop himself from breaking his heart.


End file.
